Nativity At HolbyCity
by Fic Fairy
Summary: Holby City What happened the morning that an Angel visited Connie Beauchamp in her office with some astounding news.
1. A Fallen Angel

Notes: No Apologies for this one. It is what it is.

Disclaimers: The Holby crew aren't mine. The nativity likewise. The combination of the two however, is.

As Connie Beauchamp would later tell people, she was in her office working on a departmental budget forecast when the bright light appeared. This in itself wasn't particularly unusual – departmental budget forecasting was the third most frequent activity she partook in, in her office, after bugging Elliot and having sex with good looking men. The bright light however was something else entirely. She'd never seen anything quite like it before, and even more bizarrely after a few seconds Chrissie Williams stepped out of it.

Modeling fairy wings.

And a halo.

Connie rubbed her eyes, wracking her brains to try and remember if she'd sanctioned any kind fancy dress day in the department, but, to the best of her knowledge she hadn't. Which actually was fine by her, because quite frankly, any excuse to haul Chrissie over the coals was no bad thing in her book.

"What are you doing?" she asked icily.

"I'm the Archangel Chrissie." Chrissie said pirouetting around on white satin ballet shoes, to give Connie a proper look at her utterly ridiculous, and, it's worth pointing out, utterly inappropriate outfit, "And I'm here to tell you that you're going to have a baby,"

Connie started to laugh, "Tell me something I don't know. Do you not think the tender breasts, morning vomiting and hormone related emotional episodes weren't enough of a clue?"

Archangel Chrissie glared at Connie, but all the same refused to be put off of her script, "Your baby will be the Son of God, and you shall call him Jesus. Which", she added, as a sneaky aside so only Connie could hear, "I should point out is really quite pretentious."

"God?" By this point, Connie was laughing so hard she was almost choking on the Gingerbread Latte she'd purchased from Starbucks on the way into work that morning. "As far as I'm aware the only person ever to refer to Mr Strachan in such a way is Mr Strachan himself, and as for 'Jesus'" she laughed slightly harder and Gingerbread Latte flew out of her nose, "not a chance. I have a whole host of names lined up and that isn't one of them. Do you like the name Jason? What about Phina?"

Connie, for the record, had been covertly watching I'm A Celebrity since the new series had started the week before and was getting rather obsessive about it.

Archangel Chrissie looked up from trying to rub the afore mentioned Ginger Latte off of her fairywings, "Look, don't shoot the messenger – I'm just doing what I was told."

"Told? By whom?" Connie enquired.

"Her." Archangel Chrissie pointed to one corner of the office where Donna Jackson was stood on a wooden staging block with a pile of cue cards in her hand and tinsel trimming her nurses uniform. "She's the narrator." She added, incase, by some miracle, Connie had missed the point completely.

As Archangel Chrissie drew attention to her Donna suddenly seemed to come to life, and began to read from her top cue card.

"So then, having delivered her message the Archangle,"

"Angel." Archangel Chrissie said, glaring at her nastily, "Arch_angel_, not Arch_angle_. I'm not a maths thing."

Donna shot an apologetic look at the very unfriendly Angel, "Sorry." She glanced back down at her cue card, "So then, having delivered her message, the Arch_angel_ disappeared as suddenly as she had arrived." At which, Chrissie headed back in the direction of the door and the ward beyond.

"Hang on." Connie interrupted, getting to her feet, deciding that if she was going to be thrust into some weird and wonderful nativity play she was going to at the very least make sure it was historically accurate. She moved across the office and on reaching Chrissie's side adjusted her halo so it was slightly to one side.

Archangel Chrissie pulled a face, "You made my halo slip."

Connie shook her head, a triumphant grin on her face, "No dear. You did that when you slept with my husband."


	2. Joseph

Once the Archangel had departed Connie found herself left alone with Donna who quickly read her next cue card.

"Once the Archangel had departed Connie went to tell her husband Joseph the good news."

"Husband? Joseph?" Connie asked incredulously, unable to believe that her day could get anymore surreal than it already was. Donna nodded, leapt down from her box and took Connie by the hand.

"Come on, lets go…"

Connie sighed, "Fine, but if he's got a tea towel on his head I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room."

---

When they found Joseph he didn't have a tea towel on his head but was in theatre operating on a patient, which, Donna informed Connie somewhat earnestly, was his job. In order to humour her, Connie found herself, enquiring as to why he wasn't a carpenter and was told that 'the script' had been 'tweaked' to give the story a contemporary and medical theme. She was tempted to ask for her own copy of the script but then decided against it. She didn't want to spoil the ending for herself.

Donna, having dropped all her cue cards on the floor shortly after entering the theatre, picked them up again and after ten minutes of trying to find the next one decided to adlib the next part.

"So then right, Mrs B tells Joseph that she's having God's baby."

Connie took this as her cue to try and break the news gently to Joseph who she suspected might struggle with the concept that was the new twist their lives but to her surprise he just nodded.

"I know. I read the script from cover to cover. I've learnt everyone's parts so I know exactly what to expect. No surprises eh?"

No surprises did not exactly cover her day so far and so she just smiled at him sweetly like the virgin she suspected she was meant to be before turning to Donna, who'd she now decided was her tour guide to all this insanity, "Where next?"

At her question Donna hopped up and down excitedly, "Oooooh I like this bit. This is where we jump forward in time." She grabbed hold of Connie and Joseph's hands and leapt into the air with them…

---

When they landed Connie found herself sat at the Board Room table with Donna lurking around somewhere behind her, and a huge massive pregnancy bump stuck infront of her. Also, somewhere along the way, she'd changed into a blue cotton dress complete with white headdress, which, in her opinion was not a good look for anyone, let alone someone who was used to wearing designer labels.

Joseph, who, to her disgust, seemed to have acquired the aforementioned tea towel on his head, was sat at her side, apparently in some kind of debate with the Chief Executive who was at the other end of the table.

She glanced at Donna, "What's going on?"

Donna looked down at her cards, which had, apparently, during the time traveling to have got themselves back into order but found they had too many long words that she couldn't pronounce and so decided it might just be better to paraphrase for Connie.

"You and him are being send to a medical conference in Basingstoke, but he doesn't think you should be traveling in your condition."

Connie rolled her eyes, protesting that she saw no reason why she wouldn't manage a car journey but Donna was already shaking her head,

"That's the problem, you're not going in a car. There's been some budget cuts, and there's no money available for petrol. You're going to have to go on a donkey. A little donkey…"

---

_Little Donkey Little Donkey  
On the M3  
Got to keep on plodding onward  
With Joseph and Connie…_

---


	3. No Room At The 5 Star Inn

During the musical interlude Connie found herself making the previously discussed journey to Basingstoke, sat on the donkey with Donna and Joseph in tow. She half expected, given her own basic knowledge of the Christmas story, for them to be following a star, but as Donna was quick to point out to her, the donkey was fitted with Sat Nav instead.

"More precise." Joseph added from her side, "Less chance of mistakes that way."

And so, thanks to the Sat Nav they arrived in Basingstoke City Centre just as the pubs were chucking out. On their arrival Donna took her cue cards back from Connie, who had held them for safekeeping during the journey and began to read again.

"Once they arrived in Basingstoke, exhausted from their long journey, Connie and Joseph made their way to", she squinted hard, trying to read the shoddy doctors handwriting on the card, "The Basingstoke Hilton where they were due to stay the night."

"I'm sorry." Joseph interrupted worriedly, "I'm not sure that's entirely correct. As I recall from the script we're meant to be staying in a Travelodge. It was all hospital funding could run to."

Donna seemed a little puzzled by this and stared down at her card, wondering where exactly any confusion could have occurred, but Connie, with a smile on her face quickly took charge of situation, turning to Joseph with her hands on her hips.

"Mr Byrne. Donna's the narrator, and therefore whatever she says goes. If she says it's the Hilton, it's the Hilton. Come on, let's go…" she said, dragging the others off again, whispering a silent prayer under breath that neither Joseph or Donna would realize that the shoddy doctors handwriting on the cue card was hers.

Under no circumstances was any child of hers being born in a Travelodge.

What Connie had failed to realize, as she'd sat on the donkey altering the cue card, was that really she'd changed nothing. Their booking was still at the Travelodge, and on arrival at The Hilton they were told that there was no room at the Inn and no amount of kicking (the baby) and screaming (her) could secure them a room. Much to the delight of Joseph who was glad to be back in familiar territory and proceeded to cart Connie, Donna and the donkey off to the Travelodge amidst a hell of a lot more kicking and screaming from Connie, who proclaimed to anyone who would listen that she, "could not and would not give birth in a bed with polyester sheets."

Protests aside though nothing could stop the flow of the story because, as Donna told Connie shortly after their arrival,

"That night, the baby Jesus was born."


	4. Meanwhile, back at Holby

While all this was going on, back at Holby, the Archangel Chrissie received a text message instructing her to gather all the other Angels together to go and inform 'the shepherds' of the immanent birth of God's son. She was a little confused by this at first as she didn't know any shepherds but then someone pointed out to her that the cast of Casualty generally turned up in Holby City at Christmas and so she decided that the text message must be referring to them.

And thus, she picked up Mark from Darwin, Jess from Orthopedics and Kyla from AAU and led them in the direction of the Emergency Department stopping only to compliment all three on their gorgeous fairy wings and to tell Mark, not for the first time, to stop claiming that HE was Jesus Christ because appearing in one mini series in 1977 does not the son of God make.

Once they arrived at ED they found Harry and urged him to take his team to visit the new baby and his Virgin Mother. This confused them a little at first because it was the first time any of them had heard the words 'Connie' 'Beauchamp' and 'Virgin' in the same sentence, but once Chrissie had explained the concept of artistic licence they went off dutifully in Josh's ambulance, clutching a bag of grapes, stolen from a patient, and a fluffy sheep purchased from the hospital gift shop. When they'd gone Chrissie turned to the others,

"Ok guys, now it's time to contact the three wise men. I suggest we send emails to their Blackberries. I'm not buggering about going to visit them… the bar's open…"


	5. VIPs, a bag of nuts and a singalong

At the Travelodge a row was waging between Connie and Donna, as the trauma of having given birth had apparently shaken the formers belief that the latter was the fountain of all knowledge, and she was, in fact, spouting utter crap.

The row was centred on Donna's insistence that baby Jesus should be wrapped in a Travelodge towel and placed in the sink in the hotel bathroom. Connie however was firm in her resolve that her child had a fully decorated nursery and Prada romper suits at home and she was going to saddle up the donkey again and take her newborn to find them.

In the end, it was Joseph who managed to keep the peace by pointing out to Connie, aided by Donna's cue cards, that they had to remain put as they were expecting important visitors bearing gifts.

Connie wasn't particularly bothered about the gifts but the important visitors were of interest to her since there was nothing she loved more than the chance to hobnob with influential people, and she so she stayed put, cuddling Jesus, wrapped in towels to her, and promising him a more appropriate wardrobe as soon as she could possibly manage it, before sending Joseph off to arrange champagne and canapés because she didn't want her guests thinking motherhood was going to impair her ability to successfully entertain.

Unfortunately for the Casualty cast, who arrived shortly afterwards, catering at the Basingstoke Travelodge didn't extend to such things as champagne and canapés and they found themselves chowing down on instant coffee and custard creams from packets Joseph and Donna managed to find on the chambermaids trolley but they weren't complaining, unlike Connie who threatened to sue Donna under the Trades Description Act since she didn't consider Harry and Co to be worthy on the moniker of 'Important Visitors' given the fact that she could see them any day of the week (providing the BBC put on a minibus from Elstree to Bristol).

Connie's anger was only sated when Donna stopped eating the grapes Harry had brought long enough to read the next bit of the story,

"Not long after the shepherds arrived, the 3 wise men also turned up to pay their respects to the baby Jesus."

"3 wise men?" Connie asked, perking up considerably at the 'M' word, before asking Joseph to pass over her handbag so she could do her make up, brush her hair and generally make herself look presentable for the latest arrivals. 

When they finally appeared however she wished she hadn't bothered, and told them so before bursting out laughing.

"You?" she said, in between her giggles, "You have to be kidding! Wise men? I mean for gods sake…" she pointed at the first man, "You, were jailed for 11 months for fraud." Then the second man, "You married Lola… twice. And," she pointed to the third man, "as for you Mr Parker, need I really say anything at all…"

Michael, knowing his former wife well enough to know that in the face of one of her moods the best thing to do was ply her with gifts, moved to her side,

"I am the first wise man." He said, for that was what the script said he should say, "And I come bearing the gift of…"

She cut him off, "VRSA?"

He sighed, "Don't be like that Cons." He pushed a bag of Scandinavian Airways Complementary Peanuts into her hand, looking slightly embarrassed, "Sorry. It was all I could get on the way over."

She took the nuts and looked at Ric, "What have you got?"

He looked uncomfortable, "I did have something, money, but I passed a casino on the way here and..." he shrugged, "… sorry."

Connie smiled, because she'd always had a soft spot for him and besides which he appeared to be wearing something she wanted. She pointed at his shirt,

"Is that Ralph Lauren?"

Ric nodded, and Connie smiled further still.

"Good. Take it off." She looked down at her baby, "It looks like I'll be getting your wardrobe sorted sooner than I thought."

Time passed. Matt bestowed a stethoscope on the baby, then they all made a toast of instant coffee to his good health and fortune (the baby's, not Matt's - although their mental ages were fairly similar), and before Connie knew what was happening Donna was taking centre stage in the middle of the room to announce that,

"They all lived happily ever after."

Then everyone assembled sang 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' in a very unprofessional and tuneless manner, all of which was far too much for Connie, who closed her eyes and prayed that she'd never wake up.


	6. It was all a dream, or was it?

"Connie… Connie…"

Connie woke to find herself face down in a pile of paperwork with a crick in her neck, and with Elliot standing over her, a look of concern on his face.

She looked up at him sleepily, "Where's Jesus? And Joseph?"

At her words, Elliot's concern seemed to grow, "Are you feeling ok?"

She shook her head trying to clear it and make sense of everything that had happened, "We were in the Travelodge, with the shepherds and Donna and the 3 wise men."

Elliot sat down beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, "Connie, you're working too hard. You're pregnant; you need to start taking care of yourself." He chuckled, "Honestly, you'll be telling me next that Joseph had a tea towel on his head and Chrissie Williams was an Angel."

She went to respond with the affirmative but he didn't give her chance, helping her on with her coat and bundling her out of the door before she had chance to speak. "Home." He told her, "If you're falling asleep on the job you're not fit to be here."

"I was asleep?" she asked, more than a little confused since the whole thing had seemed so real, "It was just a dream?"

Elliot smiled kindly, "It was just a dream."

Connie continued to think about this all the way down in the lift. She thought about it as she made her way out to the car. And she thought about it as she put the key in the ignition and drove out of the car park.

"It was a dream." She said out loud to the car, by now utterly convinced of it, "It WAS a dream."

Then she passed Harry standing at the main gate.

And he had a sheep under his arm.

She groaned.

Some things in life obviously just defied explanation.


End file.
